I’d call the theme park ‘Bizzy Land’.

In Bizzy Land, everyone is… busy. Get it?

In Bizzy Land, there’s space for a thousand people in the park, but two thousand people try to get in every day. Of course, most of these people don’t have a ticket and many can’t even reach the height requirements for the rides, but they still want to come in all the same. The receptionists in Bizzy Land try their hardest to accommodate everyone, even keeping tickets aside for some visitors who promised to collect them but never appeared. The other day trippers, waiting to enter the park, can’t understand that someone else has taken their place but hasn’t bothered to turn up, making their lives even more frustrating. So, the people waiting to get into the park just shout at the receptionists. They demand to go on every ride, even if they’re full, and don’t worry about putting too many people on each ride, despite the potential hazards.

There are some waltzers in the park, based on different GPs. The Dr Berry waltzer can’t quite keep up with the others. The Dr Edge waltzer breaks down all the time. The Dr Barrow waltzer has extra padding to make you feel comfortable. Dr Larry is the noisy waltzer soon to be retired. And Dr Lesley is the waltzer that smells of stale booze.

There’s a ghost train too. The ghost train takes visitors on a trip around an old community hospital which used to exist but was closed down. Inside the hospital, patients who once found themselves travelling miles for blood tests, ECGs and even end-of-life care come back to scare health board chief executives half to death, and they in turn run around the hospital, screaming, desperately trying to escape… their consciences.

There’s a roller coaster, of course. This gives adventurous visitors an experience that feels just like being in general practice. The ride starts off slowly, quickly gathering momentum and finally reaches speeds that risk derailing the entire carriage. Then, just when it seems that the ride is about to calm down, it hurtles upside down and hangs in the air, making the nauseous riders feel completely helpless. At the point of being unbearable, the roller coaster judders back to life, taking the riders back to where they started from, so that they can do it all over again… What fun!

The slides in the park are massive and scary. They’re the biggest slides of any theme park anywhere, and they offer the ride of a lifetime. These slides give the most daring riders a real taste of how it feels to be a practice manager! The ride is fast-paced and frightening, to say the least. The only way of making it to the end is to close your eyes, hang on tight and hope for the best!

Ironically, a large maze is the only way out of the park. In that maze, day trippers try to find their way through the one-way systems, unmarked paths and dead ends. Of course, a few lucky people manage to stagger out and leave Bizzy Land, the theme park based on general practice, but some never ever do! Mwahahahaha!

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