Share by email or pin (discreetly) on the office noticeboard if your team need a little pick me up. Go on – it’s Christmas!
- ‘Doctor, doctor, can I have second opinion?’ ‘Certainly. Come back tomorrow!’
- ‘Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing images of Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck!’ ‘I see, and how long have you been having these Disney spells?’
- ‘Doctor, doctor, I feel terrible!’ ‘What are the symptoms?’ ‘It’s a cartoon show with yellow people.’
- ‘Doctor, doctor, I get a terrible pain in my eye when I drink a cup of coffee.’ ‘Try taking the spoon out.’
- ‘Doctor, doctor, I think I need glasses.’ ‘You certainly do. This is a garage.’
- ‘Doctor, doctor, I think I’m a dog.’ ‘How long have you felt like this?’ ‘Ever since I was a puppy!’
- ‘Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into an apple.’ ‘We’ll have to get to the core of this!’
- ‘Doctor, doctor, I’ve got something wrong with my eyes. I keep seeing an insect spinning round my head.’ ‘Don’t worry, that’s just a bug going round.’
- ‘Doctor, doctor, I’ve just swallowed a pen.’ ‘Well, sit down and write your name!’
- ‘Doctor, doctor, some days I feel like a tepee and other days I feel like a wig-wam.’ ‘I think you’re two tents.’
- ‘Doctor, doctor,’ says a patient. ‘I can’t stop singing, “The Green, Green Grass of Home”‘. ‘That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome,’ says the doctor. ‘Is it common?’ asks the patient. The doctor replies, ‘It’s not unusual.’
- ‘Doctor, doctor, – I keep seeing into the future!’ ‘When did this start?’ ‘Next Tuesday.’
Notes exactly as typed by medical secretaries at Greater Glasgow NHS:
- Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
- On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
- The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
- Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
- While in ER, Eva was examined, x-rated and sent home.
- Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
- Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
- The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
- Mrs Evans slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
- Patient was seen in consultation by Dr Jones, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
Happy Christmas to all our readers and subscribers! We wish you a thoroughly well-deserved and restful break.